SBURB High: Yes, This is Another High School AU, Deal With It
by traceemywinn
Summary: John Egbert, Karkat Vantas, Vriska Serket, and many others journey through their junior year at St. Boris, Under Rubble Buried, High School. I promise it's better than it sounds. Rated T for language and possible mature references. Humanstuck.


The year is 2015. Your name is John Egbert. You like terrible movies, pranks, and computers. You are sixteen years old, and are about to begin your junior year of high school at St. Boris, Under Rubble Buried, High School. (Apparently there was once a saint in your town named Boris who got buried under rubble. You've never paid it much mind; everyone just calls it SBURB High.) You live in a suburban home with your dad and your nanna.

Your best friend since childhood has been a bubbly geek named Jade Harley, but you have plenty of other friends too! Your little clique comprises you, Jade, a goofball programmer named Roxy, a hyperactive furry named Nepeta, an aloof genius named Dirk, and a Pokémon-obsessed shy kid named Tavros. (You're also good friends with your school janitor, Waylon Valdez, or WV, but we'll come back to that later.) While you've been keeping in touch with them via Pesterchum, you've only seen Jade and Tavros all summer, and them only once apiece, so you're really looking forward to your first day.

You arrive at school in the morning, and the first thing you notice is that somehow, someone has already hung posters for their student government campaign. Inspecting one closer, you notice a familiar eyepatched face above the words SERKET FOR PRESIDENT 2015. You nod in approval, having always admired Vriska's willpower and drive.

As you walk to your first period class, Civics with Dr. Perrine Mendel, you notice Vriska's posters practically everywhere you go, despite school having not even started yet. You shrug and move on.

Your first three periods proceed without incident, but the moment for which you have waited finally arrives. Your small school only has one lunch period, meaning that getting to eat with your friends has never been a problem. You rush to the cafeteria to meet them.

Sure enough, you spy Nepeta and Dirk seated at a round table. "Hi John!" shouts Nepeta from halfway across the cafeteria. After grabbing a bowl of spaghetti, some broccoli, a carton of chocolate milk, and a roll, you join them.

Dirk smiles and nods at you. "Nope," you say to Dirk. "Not getting away with being quiet! You're gonna tell me all about your summer whether you like it or not!"

"A'ight," says Dirk. "I built a human-sized robot with basic fencing technique, got into My Little Pony at Jade's suggestion, composed and recorded my greatest hip-hop album yet, and went on a boring-ass trip to Mount Rushmore with my brother and our parents."

"Wow," you say. "That sounds... a lot more productive than my summer!"

"Seriously though," says Dirk, signaling the beginning of one of his trademark rants, "why does anyone ever go to Mount Rushmore. I once looked at a picture of Mount Rushmore on my computer. It was exactly as interesting as going to the real place. I've tried to think of worse vacation destinations, and I have not come up with a single one worse than Mount Rushmore. Even pointless small towns in Nevada have some sort of ironic appeal, but with Rushmore it's just straight-up, completely sincere Dullsville."

"Well," says Nepeta, as you breathe a sigh of relief, "I had a GRRREAT vacation this summer! My furmily and the Zahhak furmily went camping, and even though it rained the whole time, we had tons of fun!"

"I'll never understand why you hang out with that Equius douche," says Dirk.

"I'm gonna have to agree with Dirk here," you say. "From everything I've seen, he's as generic of a bully as Ben Affleck in Dazed and Confused."

"Why on earth would that be your go-to example?" asks Dirk with an emphatic hand gesture.

"He can be a little... intense," says Nepeta, looking downwards, "but he's really sweet if you get to know him!"

Just then, Tavros rolls up in his wheelchair. "Oh, hey guys," he says.

"Tavros!" exclaims Nepeta as she gets up, walks over to him, and bends down to give him a hug.

"Did you do anything special this summer?" you ask.

"Uhh, not much," says Tavros. "Just played Pokémon and hung out with my dad, mostly."

"Man, your dad is such a cool guy," you say.

"Yeah, I'm lucky to have him," replies Tavros.

Then, out of the corner of your eye, you spot a familiar pair of glasses on a familiar set of green eyes. You make eye contact, and Jade begins running to your lunch table. You shout one another's names simultaneously, and join in a hug.

Jade sits down next to you. "Hey," you say, "we were all talking about what we did this summer. What did you do?"

"Well, there was that trip to Myanmar with Grandpa and Bec, I won a science competition, a gardening competition, and a skeet competition, and I managed to get Dirk into MLP!" she says.

"Haha, you guys did so much crazy stuff this summer!" you say.

"Well, what did you do?" says Dirk, looking at you in that friendly but weirdly intimidating way he has.

Before you can answer, the final member of your group arrives. Roxy Lalonde, with hair just as ridiculously styled and eyes just as impossibly colored as ever, saunters over to the table. "'Sup guys," she says.

You look at Roxy, as she hugs Dirk, and notice something... different. Something you can't quite put your finger on. She sits down between you and Dirk, and your stomach begins to feel weird.

"Ooh, Roxy, what'd you do this summer?" asks Nepeta.

"Ehh, nothin' much. Mostly just programmed, gamed, thought about wizards, you know. The uuuuushe. Oh, and my parents tried to get me to hang out with my cousin. You can prolly guess how that went," says Roxy.

"I presume she's as creepy and antisocial as ever?" asks Dirk.

"Preeeetty much," says Roxy.

"Wait!" exclaims Jade. "John, you still haven't told us! What did _you_ do this summer?"

You ponder on your summer for a moment. Your most frequent activity, you realize, was pestering your friends. In fact, you almost certainly spent more time on Pesterchum than any of your friends did. This realization of your severe dependence on your friends drives your mood downwards somewhat.

"Not much, I guess," you say. "I watched a bunch of movies, and wrote some terrible code."

"What were some movies you really liked?" asked Tavros.

"Well," you say, "you'll probably all laugh at this—"

"John, we would absolutely never, ever laugh at your movie tastes," says Dirk. "Frankly, I'm shocked and offended that you would even insinuate such a heinous thing."

You roll your eyes at your interruptor and continue. "—but I thought the Minions movie was awesome!" The clamorous laughter of all five of your lunch companions stretches on for several minutes, inviting the confused stares of the entire cafetorium.

Jade turns to you and says, "Well, John, I think it's great that you had fun at that movie!"

"Yeah, I saw it too," said Roxy. "It was actually kinda funny."

"Wait, then why did you laugh?" you ask.

"'Cause," says Roxy, "even if I agreed, it was still the Egbertiest thing you ever coulda said."

"Oh," you say. "...Thanks?" Roxy giggles.

"So, does anyone have any opurrnions about this year's student government election?" subject-changes Nepeta.

"Um, the only candidate we know about is Serket, seeing as how she didn't leave any wall space for anyone else," says Dirk.

"I support her, I think," you say. "She's all bold and take-charge and stuff like that."

"Yeah," says Tavros with an expression of doubt, "Vriska's... cool."

"I dunno, I don't really trust her," says Jade. "And she comes off kinda mean."

"I think that's just because of how confident she is," you say.

"Yeah," says Tavros, "her confidence is pretty great. I wish I could be confident like that."

"Well, I think there's a difference between being confident and just plain being mean!" says Jade. "And Tavros, I'd hate it if you ever started being like that!"

"Uhh, okay," says Tavros. "I guess that I will try not to. To be like that, I mean."

"Man, this convo is just makin' the hostilities happen left and right," says Roxy. "Let's talk about somethin' else."

"Agreed," you say.

"Does anyone have anyone in mind for Homecoming?" asks Jade.

"I'm sure Nepeta has that covered for all of us," says Dirk, inviting a hearty chuckle to spread across the table.

"Oh, I have my plans," says Nepeta with a giggle.

"I don't suppose you plan on telling any of us who you're going to manipulate us into asking," says Dirk.

"Silly Dirk!" says Nepeta. "It would ruin all the fun if I told you this purrly!"

The subject of Homecoming makes you feel strange. You think of who you could possibly go with. The only girls (you're pretty straight, as far as you know) who you really know are the ones in your friend group, but dating within the group would be insane. Completely out of the question. Never ever ever.

While you've never known her very well, the prospect of going to Homecoming with Vriska Serket excites you somewhat. Then again, Jade has, in the past, always known what's best for you. These conflicting desires make you uncomfortable, so you shelve this train of thought for now.

The rest of lunch proceeds pleasantly enough. You attend your fourth and final class of the day, but for some reason, your thoughts keep wandering back to two girls, one in an eyepatch and one in a scarf.

-.-.-

The year is 2015. Your name is Karkat Vantas. You secretly love romantic comedies, are terrible yet enthusiastic at programming, and aspire to be a star football player. However, you are not athletic in the slightest, and as such have been placed in the position of water boy since your freshman year. You are about to enter your junior year at SBURB High. You live in a shabby apartment with your dad, who, while not overtly abusive, is still not the nicest guy.

Your only real friends are a constantly-stoned juggalo named Gamzee and an arrogant hacker who's almost as obnoxious as you are. Oh, yeah, and there's Kanaya. Goddamn Kanaya. Why does she even put up with you? You're completely insufferable.

Today is the first day of school, but before first period, there are football workouts. Being technically part of the team, you have to attend. Not that you would ever choose to not attend. If you ever want to succeed in life, you need to put in the work.

You arrive at the weight room and see your teammates, including freakishly-muscled linebacker Equius Zahhak, who has bullied you for years. Honestly, you deserve it. Doesn't make him any less of an asshole, though.

While you are struggling to finish a set of reps that the rest of the team has completed, Equius walks over to your bench. "Get me a towel," he demands.

"In...a minute," you say weakly. "Need... to finish this set."

Equius casually knocks the barbell out of your arms. "No one cares about you doing the exercises. You have no value to the team regardless, other than fetching things for the rest of us," he says. You go and get him a towel.

In the locker room after workouts, you are approached by a new kid, who you have only seen at tryouts and previous workouts. "Don't let what that scoundrel says get you down," he says, gesturing in Equius's direction. "You seem right fine to me. I'm Jake, by the way. Jake English."

"I don't need your goddamn pity, fuckbag," you reply. Your rather loud voice invites the stares of the rest of the team.

You cringe as you hear your coach's voice from outside the room. "Vantas, get your ass in my office!"

You dress yourself and enter your coach's office. Obviously displeased with your treatment of Jake, Coach Noir hands you a slip for an afterschool detention. On your first day, no less. Burning with embarrassment, you go to your first three classes.

You arrive at the lunchroom, grab some terrible food, and sit down at a table where you think no one will find you. You are wrong.

"What is up, my best bosom brother?" says a familiar kite-high voice.

"Fuck off, Gamzee," you say.

"Ahahah, right back at ya, motherfucker!" says Gamzee as he sits down across from you. "How's it being going up with the football team or whatever shit?"

"Oh, it's just great," you say. "Fucking amazing! They're making me the fucking quarterback!"

"Aw fuck yeah, bruh!" says Gamzee, opening a Faygo.

"I got detention for cursing out the new kid, okay!" you nearly scream. Your conversation is suddenly interrupted by a burst of uproarious laughter from across the room.

"That might seem like some motherfucking tough shit," says Gamzee, "but you never know, you know? It could turn out to be some kinda motherfucking life-changing experience. You just gotta be all open and shit and let life bless you with its miracles."

"This isn't the goddamn Breakfast Club, dickbulge!" you say.

"Whatevs, motherfucker," says Gamzee with that dopey smile he always has. "It's all gonna be cool in the end."

Eventually, the bell finally rings, saving you from the torture of your best friend's comfort and support. After fourth period, you head to detention. Apparently, only one other person was a big enough screw-up to get detention on the first day. You take a seat as far away as possible from the smug assface with sunglasses on and his feet propped up on his desk.

The presiding teacher, Mr. Herman Boxer, is absorbed in something on his computer, with earbuds in. The aforementioned assface pulls out his phone and starts typing something or other. You choose to ignore his obvious rulebreaking in hopes that he'll get the punishment he so clearly deserves. However, he then moves over to the desk nearest you and nudges you with his elbow.

"What do you want, nutmunch?" you say in the closest thing you can muster to a whisper. He shows you some pointless comic strip that makes you want to vomit and have a seizure at the same fucking time.

"Put that up, assbrain," you say. "You'll get us both another hour in here."

"Dude, it's fine," he says in a normal voice. "Boxer can't hear anything when he's watching his freaky-ass smut."

You take another look at the comic on the smartphone. It's... almost funny, in a terrible way. "Did you make this?" you ask.

"Hells yeah I made it," says the sunglassed asshole. "Wanna see more?"

"Of course I don't want to see any more," you say. "It's like flies swarming around a puddle of bile and feces, but on a screen."

"Well, yeah, duh," he replies. "It's called irony."

"I think it's actually called an excuse for your total and utter lack of talent," you say.

"Dude, I can tell you loved it," he says.

"Whatever you say, fucknuts," you say.

"Lighten the fuck up, man," he replies. "This'll just be more terrible if we can't even talk to each other."

"I don't give a fuck," you say. "I can tolerate sitting in silence for an hour twelve times easier than I can tolerate you."

"So, what are you in for?" he asks.

"None of your goddamned business," you answer.

"I graffitied a bathroom stall," he says, ignoring your lack of an answer.

"How'd they catch you?" you ask, becoming curious despite yourself.

"I fucking signed it, man," he says. "Can't let art go uncredited."

"That's... actually almost impressive," you say. "What's your name, anyway?"

"Dave Strider," he says. "You?"

"I'm Karkat," you say with trepidation. "Karkat Vantas."

You pause for a moment, and say, "I snapped at a new kid who didn't do anything to deserve it."

" _You_ snapped at someone?" says Dave, holding back laughter. "I never could have guessed."

"Whatever, I was having a bad day," you say. "Wait, why am I even defending myself to an insufferable prick like you?"

"Dude, can you please stop calling me names every five seconds?" says Dave with a look of exasperation. "Like, not that I give a flying fuck about your opinion of me, but it kinda makes communication more difficult."

"Whatever, I guess I'll humor you for a little while," you say. "Can I see another one of those comic strips?"

-.-.-

The year is 2015. Your name is Vriska Serket. You like pirates, roleplaying, and scheming. When it comes to schemes, you are simply the best there is. It is due to these scheming skills that you have chosen to run for student government president this year, your junior year at SBURB High. After all, the people need a leader who's willing to do what's necessary for their greater good.

You must give credit where credit is due, however. Your campaign would be nowhere near as good as it is without your trusty campaign manager, Terezi Pyrope. The morning before your first day of school, you decide to consult with her.

\- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] -

AG: Heeeeeeeey there, Terezi.

GC: OH H3Y

AG: So, the posters are up. I was wondering, should I let them speak for themselves, or should I announce my candidacy directly?

GC: W3LL, YOU H4V3 NO PL4TFORM WH4TSO3V3R TO 4NNOUNC3 4NYTH1NG, SO OPT1ON 1, 1 SUPPOS3

AG: Riiiiiiiight. You're so practical, Terezi.

AG: You're pretty much the only person in this lame school who I can rely on at all.

GC: 1 TRY

GC: BUT 1F YOU'R3 GO1NG TO W1N, YOU'RE GO1NG TO N33D TO B3 L1K3D

GC: SO W3'LL N33D TO T4LK 4BOUT YOUR OV3R4LL 4TT1TUD3

GC: TH3 P3OPL3 W4NT SOM3ON3 WHO S33MS ON TH31R L3V3L

GC: L1K3, JUST TH1S GUY, YOU KNOW?

GC: SO DON'T C4CKL3 M4N14C4LLY OR T4LK 4BOUT YOUR 1RONS 1N TH3 F1R3

GC: B3S1D3S, L3T'S G3T R34L

GC: 1'M TH3 ON3 W1TH 1RONS 1N TH3 F1R3

AG: Alright. I suppose I can do that.

AG: 8ut 8efore we leave, I have something else to talk a8out.

AG: You know that spineless loser Tavros Nitram?


End file.
